When Children Grieve by John W. James

Author:John W. James [John W. James and Russell Friedman With Dr. Leslie Landon Matthews]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780062015488
Publisher: HarperCollins

FORGIVENESS IS AN ACTION, NOT A FEELING

Many people say, “I can’t forgive him; I don’t feel it.” We agree, because you cannot feel something you have not done. More clearly, you cannot feel forgiveness until you take the actions of forgiveness. A feeling of forgiveness can only result from the action of verbalizing the forgiveness. Action first, feeling follows. If you teach your children the effective use of forgiveness, you have given them a life-affirming skill.

Forgiveness is relinquishing the resentment children hold against another person. They might need to forgive them for something they actually did: I forgive you for ruining my birthday party. On the other hand, they might need to forgive them for something they did not do: I forgive you for not attending my graduation.

There is another expression that people use. “I can forgive, but I can’t forget.” We have watched people use this awkward combination of ideas to stop themselves from gaining the freedom that is the by-product of forgiveness. Imagine that you had been horribly beaten over a period of many years. It is unlikely that you would ever forget those incidents. But lack of forgiveness of the perpetrator keeps your pain current and alive. Forgiveness does not take away the memory, it takes away the pain.

The implication of “I can forgive, but I can’t forget” is that “since I cannot forget, I will not forgive.” The real questions are: Who stays in an emotional prison cell? Who continues to resent and shut down their own mind, body, and heart? Whose life is limited by the absence of forgiveness?

Use this new awareness about the value of forgiveness to enhance your children’s lives.

We are often asked the following question: In dealing with living people, is it appropriate to forgive someone in person? Our response: Absolutely not! An unsolicited forgiveness will almost always be perceived as an attack. The person being forgiven need never know that forgiveness has occurred. Remember, never suggest that your children forgive anyone directly to their face.

One more note: Many people ask others to forgive them and teach their children to do the same. We think this is an incorrect communication. In fact, it is a manipulation by which you ask the other person to do something that you need to do. And when you ask someone who has died to forgive you, you are asking a dead person to take an action. Children need to take an action, not ask someone else to do it for them. If children ask for forgiveness, they are trying to apologize for something they have said or done. It is much better for them to make an apology than to ask for forgiveness. That way they can feel more complete.

Let’s take everything you just read about forgiveness and look at the little boy’s comment to his hamster one more time: “I was mad the time you bit me, but that’s okay.” In effect, the little boy has issued a perfect statement of forgiveness. The phrase “that’s okay,” is a statement of perspective.

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